[	Tags	|	journal entry	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Home	]
[	Feelin'	|	complacent	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	Paramore - Ignorance	]

Um....hi F-List.
What's up?

Yeah...so it's been ages since I've made a post. And yeah, a lot has happened.
And I mean a lot!!

So um... Me and Mark never worked out. I came home from the first week in London when I met him, and about a week later I got an email from this guy who was friends with Charlie (the American guy I was kinda with last summer). I met Dan a few years ago when Charlie came over the first time and I really fancied him, we exchanged email addresses but nothing really came of it. So anyway, I got this email from him and he was just telling me about how Charlie has gotten engaged and stuff. We started emailing back and forth, and I mean we were getting on really well. Me and Mark were talking a lot still and 4 weeks after the initial meeting I went back to London because he was coming back over. We were there for a week, but I'd be lying in bed next to him at 4 in the morning and be texting Dan, and I'm there thinking 'there has to be something wrong with this'. I had to come back to Cornwall for work at the weekend so Mark came down with me, and I really didn't like it. I can't even explain it, but it just didn't feel right. So when Mark went home I had a good think and then told him that it just wasn't working out for me.
Me and Dan were talking like all the time, between work and sleep and I looked forward to his texts and stuff. And then a few days after I came back from London he text and said that he had to go to Alaska for 2 weeks for a job and didn't know if we would be able to talk because it would be in the mountains and there woudn't be much signal. Friday came, and he was at the airport and texts were flying back and forth, and as soon as he said 'right I really have to go now, they're doing final boarding calls' I actually felt like someone had died. I was just sat there like 'well what do I do now?'
About 10 hours later I got an email from him saying that he was staying overnight in a motel, and that it didn't have phone signal but it did have wifi so we were on msn most of hte night. I can't even explain what relief I felt at talking to him that night. It was then I realised that I had fallen for this guy, and that was why being with Mark felt so entirely wrong.
We talked very little through the 2 weeks, he tried to send at least 1 text a day, just to check in but it was hard because the signal was rubbish. The day he actually got home to california and we actually had a full on conversation I was so fucking happy! Like, so, so happy. It was getting harder and harder to not tell him that I love him.
About 2/3 weeks went by and we were talking 24/7, he'd send me quick texts while he was working, which I loved! and there was this one night, it was a wednesday night about midnight and he was on a lunch break. We were texting away and he sent me this one text which said 'Listen, I really need to tell you something but you have to promise not to freak out' so I was like okay... and the next text that came through...omg I was so fucking happy!!! It was pretty simple 'I like you Kim' and I was like 'Yeah I like you too Dan' and he sends back 'No, I mean like, I LIKE you'. So after a happy dance and smiling so much that my face hurt, we'd established that we liked eachother.
The on saturday night, he was home because he was babysitting his little niece, and we were talking. I can't even remember what about, it was pretty random and trivial. But he sent me this message saying 'Kim, got something else to tell you.' and I was like 'oh yeah, what?' and he sent back 'I wanted to tell you this before, but I was scared as hell and telling you I like you was a way to scope out your reaction' so I'm there like 'omg just get on with it already' and he sends back....'Kim, I love you.'

I fucking died of happiness.

And we had over 2 months of pure happiness.

But now I don't know what's going on, I haven't heard from him in over a week and I'm getting a little worried.
But nevermind.

I don't really know what to say now...haha.
Other than that I should post more.

OH!!!! Also, check this out!!!
Now!

<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6fAjstE1vkw&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6fAjstE1vkw&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

[	Tags	|	journal entry	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Hooome	]
[	Feelin'	|	content	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	The Shins - So Says I	]

Well Shit.

Long time no see, F List. Missed me?

So, wow, lots has happened.
I think I finally admitted to myself that I'd left college, it was a completely unconscious decision, I mean I knew going there caused panic attacks and all my random issues to arrise. But I thought I was going back. And plus, I miss everyone like fuck! I miss hanging out with Carolyn and Kim, or having Mark, Spunkey and Daryl taking the piss out of me. I miss the drama group, and our little Philosophy and Ethics class. I miss everyone madly, and I hate the fact that my hang-ups caused me to push everyone away.
But I'm too damn scared to try to make amends. I mean, what if everyone's just given up on me and just doesn't give a fuck anymore? I wouldn't blame them, but evenso, it scares me. I'm trying guys, really I am, and I'm so sorry it's taken this long to start sorting my head out.

Now, onto Mark. Yes, another guy. Paul...he's always going to be in my heart, and there's always going to be a part of me that wants him...but it isn't happening. Mark, however, is something else entirely. I met him in London a few weeks ago, he lives in Texas and teaches Law and Government. But he's in London for School Holidays. I have no idea how this is going to work, we're both completely clueless in this, but dammit....I've never fallen that quickly before. What we have is seriously intense. And scary. I met him on my first day up there, and we ended up spending the whole week together. I felt good with him, yknow? Like free from all my hang ups, we talked, and he didn't judge or think anything less of me. He's not perfect, but we fit. I hope it works...I really, really do.

I wrote a piano concerto a small while ago, and it's going to be used as a soundtrack in a film. Pretty stoked tbh, but the film is still very much pre-production. It's pretty cool though =)

Everything is still very odd with the illness. I'm trying to get used to it all, I had a few months on Lithium and despised it, so I chucked it in. We're controlling it all by therapy now, I get very snappy and irritated quickly, but I think that now we know it's my disorder that does that, we can handle it more. There is definately a sense of relief knowing that I'm not just a bitch :)

I'm going to try to update more, I've been addicted to my iPod lol.

Also; WHO SAW THE NEW MOON POSTER?????? OMG!! Rob's been working out!! At first I thought it was airbrushed, but I saw the filming for the movie and HOLY SHIT those abs are his. He is one sexy motherfucker! I will marry him.

[	Tags	|	journal entry	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Living Room	]
[	Feelin'	|	cranky	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	Scrubs - Welcome to Sacred Heart =D God love the Musical eppy!	]

Stupid happy pills aren't working yet.
Sucks.
Apparently they take 2 weeks to do fuck all, and even then I apparently won't notice it.

WHAT THE HELL??

Why, exactly, am I taking them then. Dumbass.
If I wanted to pop pills which won't do fuck all for ages, and I wouldn't notice the effects, I'd damn well start popping sweetener tabs. hell they'd probably do more shit than these.

Plus I'm on anti-anxiety meds....how many panic attacks did I have today?
5.
Can someone please explain that to me?
These tablets are meant to prevent this crap, and yet I'm still having them.
I haven't even left the house yet.

Stupid fucking nervous breakdown.
Stupid crappy depression.

Also; I seem to be swearing more since I've been on these. I mean okay, so I already swore like a freakin sailor, but this is just plain embarrasing. I'd make a sailor blush I would.
It's funny though, me and mom keep having swearing matches. Seeing how much we can curse at eachother before we start giggling.
I fail hopelessly every time.

Hmm.

oOo SCRUBS!! =D
T'is the musical one!

I'm off, I'll grumble later.

[	Tags	|	journal entry	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Home	]
[	Feelin'	|	gloomy	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	Nothing, I don't feel in a music mood.	]

 I'm not being melodramatic.
Well...not much.
But still.

It's creepy.

And actually heartbreaking.
I actually feel sick.

Robert Reeves though, of all people.
Shit.

Okay, you're probably wondering what I'm on about.
Sorry, it's not fully sunk in yet. It's, well it's not something I really expected (like anyone expects it though) and it's kind of thrown me slightly.

Robert Reeves was the love of my life...when I was about 2.
He continued to be the love of my life until I was about 7 or 8.
He was my first kiss :)
But after that we were just good friends, I moved and we sort of lost touch, but I saw him around and we'd say hi or whatever.

I got a text through at about 6 this evening telling me that Rob had been killed in a car crash last night on Longstone road.
Robert freakin Reeves...Dead.

Shit.

I mean Jan, his mom, is going to be devastated. He was the golden boy. I spoke to Dave (his older brother) and he's putting on a brave face bless him, but it can't be good. I feel terrible for them, I really do.
No one deserves that, I mean Christ.
But not Rob, never Rob.
18.
It's way too young.
And he was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet, really sweet and funny.
He was my first love and now he's gone.

I'm cursed.

Rob, my first love - Dead.
Matt, best friend/probable soulmate/first guy I ever really, truly Loved (with a capital L) - Dead.
Josie, best friend, first girl I had feelings for - Dead.
Kaleb, first...well you dn't wanna know what he was first at - Dead.
Julian, Fiance, Love of my life, still don't know how I live without him - Dead.

They all die.
And that dream, oh my god that dream
It terrifies me, because what if (and the dream says he will, and it's not that far into the future), what if Paul goes too.
Rob was in that dream, he was the first to go.
He's gone.
I'm terrified.

But I can't dwell on it. For my own damn sanity.

R.I.P. Robert, dammit you don't deserve this, and hell I'm gunna miss you.

[	Tags	|	journal entry, twilight	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Living Room	]
[	Feelin'	|	cold	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	Paramore - Breathe	]

So I'm breaking up with him.
I haven't told him yet, but I'm going to do it.
I have to.
It's gunna hurt like hell and I know for a fact I'll be devastated but I have to do it, I can't be messed around.

Paul can pick up the pieces if he likes.

I do have a positive though: Finally after 3 years of wanting the books and spending stupidly long amounts of time in libraries or Waterstones to read them over and over, I have the Twilight series (so far...)
This pleases me!

So excuse me while I go and obsess over Edward Cullen and try not to think about Him.

[	Tags	|	journal entry	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Home	]
[	Feelin'	|	contemplative	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	30 Seconds to Mars - Saviour	]

Whilst watching Casanova earlier...
I miss David.

Not how we were before we parted...although I do miss that....quite a bit actually.
But that's not the point.
My point is that I miss him being my best friend. The best friend I was on the phone to 24/7.
I miss that.
See if we were still best friends (and all the crap hadn't happened) I could talk to him about everything thats going on, rather than writing it on here, and he'd give me proper relevant and good advice.
That's what I need right now.

That, and my best friend back.
So yeah...stubborness doesn't always win I guess.

Gosh I miss him =(


Other news:
The company I ordered my SLR off emailed me earlier saying that they're out of stock (I knew that anyway!) and their supplier can't get anymore to them for a while for reasons unknown to the company, so I've been given a refund which will clear in 2-3 days. Good times I guess...just have to find somewhere else to throw my money at.
Also, New shoes for New Years eve :)
Just need to get a pair of leopard print tights/leggings and I wanna see if I can find a black dress.

[	Tags	|	journal entry	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Here.	]
[	Feelin'	|	happy	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	None...it's alllllll peep show baby ;)	]

Carolyn came over for a bit while I was babysitting Megs...we had a laugh and ended up chatting to Sally over msn.
Carolyn confused the crap out of Mark by talking scouse at him =P
Was a giggle really.
Mom came home and we mooched down to Hole in the Wall.
Had a few drinks and went to the Weavers.
I'm just standing at the bar yeah, minding my own business and waiting for my drink...and I get an arm going around my waist and suddenly Paul's there. There was a huggy kissy moment where we did all the 'ahh did you have a good christmas' yadda yadda...he was all flirty and adorable and yeah I'm fangirling him. Whatever. But yeah he goes 'You walk in and I wolfwhistle, but you don't take any notice, so I called your name, and still nothing and by this time I'm looking like a prat, so I had to come and see you just to prove to my mates that I do actually know you and I'm not a creep'.
So basically, after introducing Carolyn to Paul and them bonding mildly, we got dragged over to meet his mates and actually....I haven't had that much fun in such a long time. Like it was awesome. And all his mates hate Hannah, Paul hates Hannah and Hannah apparently hates Paul....so I'm sat there thinking WHY?!THEHELLAREYOUSTILLTOGETHER??! but not dwelling on that it was amazing. He was perfect and lovely and just ahhhh it was lovely.

Today I called up work cuz I'd forgotton my hours...that's what too much alcohol does...
Anyway, called them up and Andy told me that after the fuck up of monday, they've given me today off =D
So properly happy we went shopping and then I got Leon, Kitty and Dannii over for drinking.

Good times.

[	Tags	|	journal entry, rant	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Home	]
[	Feelin'	|	contemplative	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	Hole - Celebrity Skin	]

So...past few days.

Lots of drinking has occured...but that isn't anything unusual.
Morrisons is packed...but then it's nearly Christmas (I'll rant about the shittiness of work in a minute)
We actually put up Christmas Decorations...we thought we may as well, not because we wanted to but it was only polite.
I still need to buy Christmas presents for people...but then I always was entirely disorganised.

So...
Sixth Form party. It was all kinds of EPIC tbh.
Yes I was entirely off my face, and in high heels that's never sensible...and I still kind of ache from dancing in heels.
But it was amazingly good fun (for more reasons than I am gunna go into here) although it's made me realise I'm never getting over him.
Dammit.

Paul...
We had an argument Saturday at work. So he wanted distance, or so he said, so he work things out with Hannah and yet kept flirting with me and everything. So I stopped acknowledging his existence altogether, I couldn't cope with him messing with my head.
So Saturday, I was working on alcohol for a bit, and he came down and was like 'Oh hey' and trying to make conversation and I was just completely not having it. So he just started having a go and asking me why the hell I wasn't talking to him anymore, so I told him straight that if he didn't like it then it's his problem because I couldn't deal with him anymore. Of course it turned into a full blown argument and Elliot (GSM) had a go at us for 'taking personal issues onto the shop floor' and I went back down to tills to cool off. Paul went home shortly after that, and I got Hannah chatting me up =|

Side note...she keeps doing that atm and it's actually scary!! For one thing I know she's a total headcase, another she's Paul's Girlfriend, and I know things. She keeps looking at me weird and it's actually creepy. I don't think I wanna know what's going on inside her head tbh.

Anyhoo...Paul.
Yeah so sunday I only really saw him when I went in and he said hi and whatever but I just wasn't interested...I was more thinking about the party tbh =)
And Yesterday I went in for my 'overtime' and was walking down his aisle (you have to go through the alcohol aisle to go to tills, it's the red route and it's part of the security proceedure...I dunno if I've said that before but no it's not me stalking him) anyway, yeah was walking down and he was there with Jimbob and I said hi...more to Jimbob than Paul but whatever. Paul just looks at me and goes 'Come here' so I was like 'Why?' and he goes 'Just come here will you!' so I did, and he pulled me over and gave me the biggest hug. Ahh it's really bad but I didn't wanna let go, I haven't had a Paul hug in ages and I'd forgotton how much I missed it! He gives the perfect hug...and he didn't let go for ages. Then Jimbob decided he wanted a hug so I gave him one, and they both asked me how I was and I told them I was still hungover from the party (and this is like quarter to 6 in the evening lol) and they laughed and walked me down to tills...

So 'Overtime'
Yeah I hate Vicky. I was scheduled for 10-4:30 on sunday, but I could only do til 1 because I babaysit everyother sunday and Vicky knows this, but when I told her she throw a right hissy fit and said that if I was going to leave at 1 on sunday I'd have to do 5:45-10:45 monday evening, so I was cool with that, at the end of the day it's extra hours right. Except when we got down to tills to check out the schedule I wasn't on it...so I called Tina over and was like 'what the hell?' and basically Vicky has no business doing schedules because she hasn't got a fucking clue what she is doing. So they said that seeing as I was there I may as well work, but that they couldn't use me on tills and they'd get Elliot to sort me something out...I lost count of how many times Paul and Jimbob said they'd have me on alcohol, but Tina completely ignored them. Then Elliot said I'd work on seasonal for him....and they had an argument about who'd pay me. I said that shouldn't it be tills cuz that's my department and at the end of the day it was their mistake so they should pay me, but Tina said that it should be grocery cuz I'd be woriking for them most of the night...so Paul just goes 'Fuck it, I'll pay her alright, just for funsies.'
I dunno who the hells paying me...I don't care but if I don't get paid for last night I will actually kill Tracey.
But yeah...Elliot got me dressing seasonal for a big, then he told me to move the puzzles to the clear space, and then go to the warehouse, load up the chocolates and stack them where the puzzles were. So I moved the puzzles...and if you go in morrisons to buy a puzzle you will now notice that all the varieties are in order, and not jumbled up making you have to sort through them =) I did that quicker than Elliot expected and he was like "You're nearly always late, you had pink hair 4 months, you've got a lip piercing...but this...this is why I haven't sacked you yet" i had to giggle. Tracey laughed and was like "ahh...there's always some form of rebellion with Kim, you should know that."
Those guys know me too well.
So I helped tills with close and then I was done.
Tell you one thing though, I'm never moaning about tills again!!

Working 2-7 today, I triple checked and phoned them earlier to make sure...and I'm having words with Vicky if she's in.
 

[	Tags	|	cake in any form, journal entry	]
[	The Hell?!	|	Home(ophobic) I'm scared of my house =P	]
[	Feelin'	|	bouncy	]
[	Rockin' out to	|	Cobra Starship - Guilty Pleasure	]

Generally I'm really good at making cakes yeah.
So I thought 'Oh it's Carolyn's birthday, I'll make her a cake'

And what, you may ask, is my my problem.

Cake = EPIC!FAIL!

So Carolyn's birthday cake is now, in fact, Fail!Cake.

Never fear though, I am nursing it, it'll be amazing once I'm done with it.
And if not...well Bin obvs.
Bin and then a mooch up to Asda =P

But then it'll be Lie!Cake so yeah...

Oh wellllll


Sent off my Unit 1 Epic YAY!
Only....Dillion wants my skills diary =| I have no idea where the hell it is.
Darn.

My bad XD

Oh and the old essay pile is growing....
And I'm not gunna be around much tomorrow night, sooo I cannae watch ashes to ashes and write an essay about the gays.

Feck it.
I don't actually care anymore.